Proft answering machine message:

     "This is an intelligence test.  Ready.  Begin.  [BEEP]"


Proft cell phone voicemail message:

     "Hi. I can't come to the phone because I'm home right now, but if you
      leave a message I'll call you when I'm out."


Efficlucious answering machine message:

     Hello.  This is [   ].  And now, a joke for the deaf...
     ....................................................
     ....................................................              [BEEP]


Steve Beist's answering machine message:

     "Hello, you have reached an imaginary number.  Please rotate your phone
     by 90 degrees and try again.  Thank you."


Here's a good OGM for telemarketers:

     "Hello, you've reached the anti-telemarketing hotline. At the sound of
     the tone, please enter your major credit card number, date of
     expiration, and issuing bank. If I decide that what you have to say is
     worth my time, your account will be charged nothing. If, on the other
     hand, I determine that your call is a waste of my time, or comes at an
     inconvenient time, you will be billed for the time you have wasted at
     the rate of $39.95 for the first minute (or portion thereof) and $9.95
     for each additional minute. Thanks for calling the anti-telemarketing
     hotline."


Definition of "frink":

     In article [[email protected]]

      [email protected] (Richard A. Schumacher) writes:
     >Frink is the name of a town on the Salton Sea, in the Chocolate
     >Mountains of California. There is a US naval weapons test range
     >nearby.
     >
     >Jose M. and Juanita Frink are the invisible perpetual undergrad
     >residents of Lloyd House at Caltech.
     >
     >Frink is also the name for the ability to get the right margins
     >of text to align without really trying. As in, "gee, he managed
     >to frink that text".


Proft sign seen in waiting area:

     "If you smoke on the premises, we shall assume you are on fire
      and treat you accordingly..."


Being proft with the police:

     When asked by the prosecutor why the defendant shot the other guy
     (the alleged assailant) six times in self-defense, he replied;

     "I ran out of bullets, Sir."