The Golden Rules of the Proft Site (translated for all you cretins)
WOW! You actually came to this page. Listen up cretins - this is important stuff. We took the legalese the lawyers wrote and translated it into readable English. So read the stuff on this page. It could prevent you from hearing from our lawyers or some other lawyer with even worse surprises [read: law suits].
Here's the scoop...
We run this site so that you (and other cybersurfers) can use it for fun, information, communication, education and cybergratification. So, go ahead and browse around all you like. You can even download stuff from the site but only one copy for non-commercial, personal use; but don't fool around with the copyright and other notices that are part of the stuff. And don't even think about distributing, modifying, transmitting, reusing, re-posting, or anything else uncool with any of the stuff, including text, images, audio and video, for public or commercial purposes unless we give you written permission, and it's not likely we will. Remember, unauthorized use [read: re-read the last sentence] may violate all sorts of nasty laws.
If you visit our site, you're agreeing to [read: stuck with] the terms and conditions listed on this page and any other law or regulation that applies to the site. If you have any problems with that, then you can't hang out at our site, because these are the rules AND once you start, there's no turning back--you are bound by [read: stuck with] the terms and conditions.
Here we go...
Assume that everything on the site is copyrighted [read: it's not yours] unless we say otherwise. So you can't use the stuff except how we say you can on this page or anywhere else on the site without our written permission. In fact, even if we wanted to, the lawyers are likely to veto any deal; so, it's better you don't even ask. There's also a lot of trademarks, logos, and service marks on the site, that either we own or we're using with someone else's permission. So don't think you have any kind of license or right to use them, because you don't and we're not about to give you one.
If you don't want the world to know something, don't post it on the site in any bulletin board or anyplace else and don't send us your latest idea for a great story. That's because anything you disclose to us is ours to use without restriction [read: it's ours..ours..ours]. So we can do anything we want with the stuff you post. We can reproduce it, disclose it, transmit it, publish it, broadcast it, and post it someplace else. Not only that, we can even use any ideas and concepts you post any way we want to, including developing and marketing products, or creating programs or other stuff using the information you post. So if you've got a great program idea, tell your mother, not us.
Here's a BIG ONE. While we occasionally listen in on chat groups, or look at the postings in our discussion groups or on bulletin boards, we take no responsibility and assume no liability [read: don't complain to us, it's not our problem] for the content of those locations or for any mistakes, defamation, libel, slander, omissions, falsehoods, obscenity, pornography, or profanity you might encounter when you visit such places on our site. And if you want to post something in a chat group or discussion group or on a bulletin board don't post or transmit any unlawful, threatening, libelous, defamatory, obscene, scandalous, inflammatory, pornographic or profane material or any material that may be considered a criminal or civil offense or for that matter violates any law -- anywhere, anytime. Remember, we will fully cooperate with any law enforcement authorities or court that asks us who might have posted such stuff on our site.
While we try to include accurate stuff on the site, we're not promising you it's accurate. In fact, we're not promising you anything except fun and entertainment. So, if you use stuff on the site, you're using it at your own risk.
We and anybody else who helped us create, produce, or deliver the site are not liable for any damages you suffer when you use it. In particular, the lawyers want you to know our disclaimer includes "direct, incidental, consequential, indirect, or punitive damages arising out of your access to, or use of, the site. Without limiting the foregoing, everything on the site is provided to you 'AS IS' WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESSED OR IMPLED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR NON-INFRINGEMENT TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMISSIBLE PURSUANT TO APPLICABLE LAW." Ugh. We put all of that in quotes because we couldn't figure out any other way to say it that the lawyers would accept. But here's the bottom line -- we're not responsible if you're browsing around and the site damages you or your computer or infects it with any viruses that may lurk in any stuff.
You'll probably notice we've linked our site to other sites out there in cyberspace. While that's cool, it doesn't mean that we've looked at all those sites or that we check them out to see what's going on. So don't blame us if some site you link to has stuff on it that offends you or that you don't like.
If you don't want to visit our site any more, that is cool. But just as important, if you don't follow the simple rules on this page, we don't want you to visit our site or to post anything in any of our chat groups or discussion groups or on our bulletin boards. In any event, you've got to destroy [read: erase, throw out] any stuff you downloaded from our site and you're still bound by [read: stuck with] all the other things we said on this page.
Hang in there, we're almost done. We're allowed to change this page or anything else on the site any time we want to. That's because it's ours [read: it's ours..ours..ours]. If we do change the page, then you're bound by [read: stuck with] those changes, too, whenever you visit our site.
If there's any question about this agreement [read: all the stuff on this page] or how this agreement applies to you or your use of the site, United States law will apply and your home office will be deemed to be in the United States just like ours is.
Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?