How To Be Proft At Wal-Mart

When the stress gets to be too much - go shopping! Head to Wal-Mart and practice some of these suggestions:

Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap

Put M&M's on layaway.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"